I Miss The Village Life I Never Had. Find Connection at a Women’s Circle Gathering.

A support circle can cure the longing for a village of women.

I often daydream that I am in a circle of women. I look around at the women sitting with me: sisters, mothers, grandmothers, and daughters, all working together with some common goal. We’re mending or building something. More important than the task is the togetherness. We’re talking, we’re sharing, we’re laughing.  We’re supporting and holding one another. 

Then we hear laughter. Our children are running around us, busy with the work of childhood. They’re playing with each other, leaving us mothers to our work and to one another. 

The visual of the women’s circle lives in my core, as if it’s memory and not a fantasy.

I often have this picture in my mind as I leave my small child at daycare each morning. Leaving my daughter feels viscerally wrong. It feels impossibly hard to leave my child in the care of someone else for 8 hours a day. It’s more than guilt: it’s a void. It leaves a hole inside of me. I’ve heard it described as a lost limb or wearing your heart on your sleeve. With that analogy, I’m leaving my heart at a daycare center. 

I feel equally as disoriented when I’m home alone with my children. I am not alone and, yet, I feel so utterly lonely and isolated. Again, this knowing serves as a reminder that I was meant to be among my sisters. My children were meant to be in the neighborhood playing with others. 

It is clear from the research that connection is everything. Study after study has proven that the key to a long, happy and healthy life is connection to other people. It makes sense, then, that when we rewind, we remember that humans have historically lived in villages and tribes, together, in community. Bands of humans working together for the common good: raising children, sharing resources and sharing responsibilities. A community breaking bread together, talking and laughing, with children playing and learning from one another. For most women reading this, it sounds like a dream. 

The mental and physical load of parenting was meant to be shared. We were not meant to carry this all on our own. We were not meant to be lonely stay-at-home moms or guilty working moms. In a village, we would be contributing to the greater good and we would be with our children (without feeling the need to be their source of entertainment). We would get to be a mom and have a sense of purpose. The other children would provide social interaction and companionship for our kids, but we would still be present for them. 

We were never meant to live in homes with only our partners and children, acres away from our neighbors. It’s a recipe for isolation and loneliness. For mothers, this loneliness starts with maternity leave. We are left alone with a newborn baby for most of the day. We are wondering why we’re miserable and why we feel like we’re failing. Why isn’t motherhood as fulfilling as we were led to believe? Why isn’t breastfeeding as easy and natural as it feels like it should be?

When women lived in bands, we would support one another in many ways. Girls grew up watching other women breastfeed, nurture and care for infants and learning from them. If a new mother struggled with nursing, she would have had the support she needed to navigate it. This community of women would care for a new mother as she recovered from childbirth. During the laboring itself, research shows that modern mothers benefit greatly from having a trusted companion during childbirth.

The way our society is designed is unnatural for us women and mothers and we’re all, predictably, miserable. We didn’t choose this way of life, but we’re the ones who can fix it. I want better for my friends and I definitely want better for my daughters. 

It’s time for us to get creative about how we gather. How do we blow up the concept of the nuclear family and reimagine our lives in community and connection?

“Necessity is the mother of Invention”

A group of single moms had the brilliant idea of creating a mommune. Others, not just mothers, are forming similar Intentional Living Communities. The concept is simple- curate a community of like-minded families that share responsibilities and resources. This is an amazing option for families and, frankly, I’m envious. 

In an attempt to mimic this idea, I have consulted the other neighborhood moms. My husband and I are fortunate to live on a dirt road with other families with young kids. The other mothers and I are often experimenting with ways to foster a sense of community, including neighborhood gathering and leaning on one another for school pick up and drop off. It’s definitely not as good as a mommune, but it’s better than nothing and I’m grateful.

When the time comes, I plan on having a very frank conversation with my daughters. I think it’s necessary to gently explain that the romantic idea of the nuclear family is bullshit and that the real happy ending will only come from them having the support of others around them.

I often go through my day missing my village, missing my sisters. I miss them when I leave my child at daycare. I miss them when I’m home and lonely. How can I ache for something I’ve never really had? Maybe this memory lives in me and in the hearts of lonely mothers everywhere.

I decided to do something about this loneliness. I decided to create a women’s circle gathering to try and replicate the women’s circle I so crave. This circle is a support group for women. It’s an online version of the circle we so desperately miss in our souls. These virtual sharing circles have proven to be a beautiful way to find love and connection from sisters, even from a distance.

Find out more about our online women’s circle gathering, our version of the village sister circle.