No, I Won’t Play With You Right Now

“No, sorry, I won’t play with you right now. That’s why we gave you a sister.” This is my usual response to the question “will you play with me?” A quick pang of guilt courses through me and I sit with it. I say hello to the guilt and then I remind myself that I’m doing my children a favor every time I encourage independent play.

In a recent study, researchers expressed just how important play is for children. “Play, especially social play with other children, serves a variety of developmental functions, all of which promote children’s mental health. In the absence of such play, children fail to acquire the social and emotional skills that are essential for healthy psychological development.” 

Play is important, but independent play is even more important. Research suggests that a decline in opportunities for independent activity is a major cause in the decline of young people’s mental health. Teen anxiety is correlated with this lack of independence.

Irrefutably, independent, unsupervised play is important for the mental health and wellbeing of our children. 

At school, educators are seeing an increase in our students’ lack of independence. Children are struggling to have the confidence to start an assignment or project. They are seeking adult help when they run into an obstacle because they lack problem-solving skills. Perseverance is also a struggle. This trend isn’t new but it’s an increasing problem. Students need these skills to succeed in school and, more importantly, to be successful adults. 

Independent play in childhood is crucial for mental health and wellbeing AND it is the building blocks for confidence and success in adulthood. So why aren’t our children getting the opportunities for independent play?

Too often in 2023, our children are participating in activities that are primarily adult-led. At home, parents are engaging their child in arts and crafts and other parent-led activities. After-school, students are enrolled in athletics (led by a coach), dance class (led by a grown-up) or robotics (led by a science teacher). There is very little white space available for children, unscheduled and unstructured time to allow for independent play. 

Children need time and freedom to engage in activities of their choosing. Promoting independent play is great for your children AND will give you a break from acting as their cruise director. Unsupervised, independent play has even more benefits like building confidence, increasing self-esteem and normalizing struggle. When children are unsupervised, they have the opportunity to gain a capacity to cope with the environment which helps to manage anxiety during a lifetime. 

At home, I encourage my children, ages 6 and 3, to play downstairs or on a different floor from me. I often send them outside to play “unsupervised” (I like to watch from the window and pretend it’s unsupervised). Outside play has even more benefits. Studies show that “being outside in nature is relaxing, reducing our stress, cortisol levels, muscle tension and heart rates”. 

Building in time for independent, unsupervised and, ideally, outdoor play is very hard in our culture. It’s the social norm to provide children with a variety of structured opportunities to build formal skills. If I don’t register my child for gymnastics, girl scouts and soccer, I feel like she’ll fall behind. I worry that she’s missing out on something that her classmates are doing. It’s helpful to remember that it’s unlikely that she’ll be an olympic gymnast but she will need to be an adult who can navigate the world independently. 

I need to be very intentional about leaving unscheduled or “white” space in my family’s calendar for my children to play in an unstructured environment. I have to resist the temptation to sign up for all the activities when I’m speaking with other parents. I am very selective about the activities we do register for and I leave plenty of space for play and family time. 

If we can lean into the discomfort of saying ‘no’ to all the activities, we’ll quickly begin to see the benefits. To start, the kids will leave us alone more often. In school, teachers will begin to notice an increase in independence and problem-solving skills (you can ask about it at parent-teacher conferences). We’re also promoting good mental and physical health, reducing anxiety and providing skills that will last a lifetime.