The Kids are Safe
We live in coastal Maine and blissfully spend our summers at the beach. Maine’s coastlines are lined with rock cliffs. My husband grew up climbing the rocks at the beach and, naturally, our girls want to do the same. My husband and his family enjoy watching our children learn how to climb these rocks. I watch on in horror. More accurately, I turn away because I can’t watch. Recently, I turned away with tears in my eyes, crying from worry. I had to force myself to look away so my children could enjoy a childhood of rock climbing.
When they’re not climbing large rocks, they’re swimming in large waves, another trigger for my anxiety. When they finally take a break from swimming, they love to run around the beach. I often wonder if other parents worry as much as I do about child abductions at busy places like the beach. If I finally allow myself to sit down, I’m watching them like a hawk while they chase seagulls. I can’t possibly pick up my book and read. I have to watch them vigilantly for interactions with strangers.
All of this fear weighs heavily on me. I am constantly trailing them, watching their every move. It’s exhausting and unsustainable.
This fear and hyper-vigilance is at odds with how I want to be as a parent. I want to be a hands-off, easy-breezy parent who allows my children to explore and grow into confident and independent kids. To that end, I hold my tongue when my insides are yelling “Be careful! Don’t climb that!” I turn away when they’re doing something that’s out of my comfort zone. At home (on a quiet dirt road in an upper-middle class neighborhood), I let them play outside alone and unsupervised while I’m inside pacing and biting my nails, checking on them every 2 minutes.
With all this fear eating me up inside, I decided to do some research. I needed to know where all of this fear was coming from. I read an amazing book by Julie Lythcott-Haims titled “How To Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.”
In this life-changing book, Julie explains where my fears come from, provides statistics that I needed to hear to know my children are safe, and she even spells out why all of this is so important. As a mother and an educator, her message had a big impact.
“The world is much safer than we’ve been led to believe, and our children need to learn how to thrive in it rather than be protected from it.” -Julie Lythcott-Haims
I grew up in the 1980s, the age of the milk-carton kids and ‘stranger danger.’ It was a time when John Walsh appeared on television and, in an understandable attempt to make sense of his son's abduction and horrific murder, started a vigilante campaign called America’s Most Wanted. He appealed to our parents to lock your doors and hide your kids. I remember my mother rifling through my Halloween candy for razor blades and needles. Turns out, those reports were just a hoax.
My generation continues this legacy of fearful parenting. This inheritance impacts the way in which we show up for our kids. As an educator, I see this parenting trend of overprotection play out daily. It’s the same helicopter parenting that I’m guilty of at times. Our students are hesitant, almost fearful when moving around the world. They exhibit very little independence and problem-solving skills. Without any opportunities for unsupervised play, children don’t have the chance to develop these traits.
Here is the truth:
Children abducted by strangers represent .01 percent of all missing children
It would likely take 750,000 years for a child left alone in a public space to be snatched by a stranger
The US is safer for children now than ever before.
Gun violence is now the leading cause of death for children and teens in the US (totally preventable…I’m working on it)
In summary, our children are most likely to be injured or killed by a gun (likely found unsecured in someone’s home) or in a traffic accident. It is extremely unlikely that they will be abducted at the beach, at the playground, or outside in the yard.
Can we let them outside now?
Perhaps, now that we know that kids are safer now than ever before, we can loosen our grip? Can we allow our kids to play outside on the street with the neighbors? Can we allow OURSELVES to pick up the book and read at the playground or at the beach? Can we liberate ourselves from this prison of hyper-vigilance and fearful parenting and, in doing so, raise and foster happy, confident and independent humans?
