Creating a Village: The Power of Women's Circle Gatherings and Support Circles for Mothers

My college roommate used to joke that we should all live in a cul-de-sac when we got married and had children. I loved being with my roommates so this thought intrigued me. I also knew it wasn’t going to happen. I knew we’d all move on, marry our partners (or someone else) and end up living apart. That’s what happened of course. But what if I had taken her suggestion seriously? What if I had prioritized living next to her and my other roommates? In the 7 years since becoming a mom, I’ve considered this over and over again. I didn’t understand the profound suggestion she was making at the time to live in community. If only I had listened! If only I understood then what a truly life-changing impact that would have had on becoming a mother. 

Instead, becoming a mother was lonely. I was anxious, overwhelmed and pretty miserable, if I’m honest. I was privileged enough to live in a house that my husband and I owned. How could I be miserable when I was so lucky? Two healthy children, a beautiful home, and plenty of resources. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t thriving. 

I was in the thick of it during COVID. I was home alone nursing my infant and unsuccessfully potty training my toddler. I had postpartum anxiety although I didn’t know it at the time. The world was ending after all! I was picturing my children dying, but I assumed everyone was having those terrible thoughts. I didn’t have other women to compare my experience with. I was alone all day with my small children. My husband would come home after a long day of work and we’d start the bedtime routine. I’d get a couple of hours of adult time, but he didn’t understand what I was going through during the day. He didn’t understand the loneliness and how the minutes ticked by slower than ever before. 

I needed other moms who understood what I was going through. I needed to spend my days with other women in the same situation. I needed mentorship, I needed guidance, I needed support, I needed sisters. I needed to watch women rearing children to know what to do. I needed other women’s children running around and keeping mine occupied. I needed a village. A village like the cul-de-sac my roommate had suggested all those years ago. 

I could visualize our dead-end street paradise: our children running around us while we spend time together. I could picture us sharing the load. We take turns cooking a meal for the community. We watch each other’s kids so we actually get a break when we need it. We work together on some projects so it feels less lonely. Mostly, though, we spend time together. Our children play together and we aren’t alone. There’s someone there experiencing the same thing as we are. 

We’re not spending ALL DAY alone in our house without the company of others, like I was doing in 2020. New mothers spend significant time alone- around 38% spend more than eight hours alone each day. “Millennial caregivers, those born between 1981 and 1996, experience increased isolation and loneliness compared to previous generations”

Loneliness is as damaging for health as smoking up to fifteen cigarettes a day. Social isolation is recognized as a risk factor for mental and physical health problems and early mortality. “...Reviewers found the causes of loneliness (in motherhood) include a lack of recognition of the difficulties of being a mother, the burden of childcare, and the absence of community and social networks.”

“Social support has been found to both reduce symptoms at the time of illness and prevent postnatal (mental) illness.” The research is clear that peer support is crucial to the wellbeing of mothers. I had attempted to surround myself with a support system by attending a new moms group immediately following the birth of my second daughter. I loved attending those meetings. It was a relief to be among other moms who were also struggling with the newborn stage. Sometimes it was me who was crying, other times it was another mom. I felt seen and heard which was really powerful during that phase. 

COVID shut down the new mom’s group. For so many of us, COVID meant loneliness and isolation. I went from feeling a little lonely but supported to completely isolated. My support system had vanished. My parents and in-laws were also isolating themselves. The respite of their visits was no longer an option. 

My experience during COVID was a heightened version of what it’s like for new moms. The loneliness and isolation is still there for many- especially day to day. 

Moving into a cul-de-sac with my college roommates now isn’t exactly a possibility. To solve this problem of loneliness and isolation for myself and others, I’ve gotten creative. I decided to bring women together in community in an attempt to  recreate the village of sisters I wish I had all along. Essentially, I missed other women so I asked them to come and hang out. 

I created a Sharing Circle for Moms. It’s a time to come and talk about the challenges and joys of motherhood. It’s a type of support circle. Since being in person isn’t always an option when you have children, we meet virtually. Our women’s gathering happens every Sunday morning at 9am (because moms are definitely up by then). Everyone is welcome at the sharing circles. 

My kids are now 4 and 7. Motherhood has gotten significantly easier. The isolation of COVID has eased. I have a great support system. My husband is a true co-parent. I have a mother who moved close by. My mother-in-law is in the area. I lean hard on my sister-in-law and her kids. I have help. I am incredibly fortunate, and, yet, I still miss the sisters of the cul-de-sac. I wish I had known what I know now: having women surrounding you as a mother is the key to happiness and wellbeing. 

Reference: Matrescence by Lucy Jones