Support Circles for Mothers Navigating Matrescence
Women’s Circle Gatherings to the Rescue
“Why does it feel so wrong to be alone at home mothering my young child?”
“Why does it also feel so wrong to be away from her?”
I was hooked instantly. Lucy Jones had exactly described my feelings as a new mother.
Lucy Jones is the author of the book Matrescence. My sister-in-law, who became a mother herself a little over a year ago, sent me the book. Before reading it, I had never heard the term Matrescence before. Matrescence is an anthropological term for the process of becoming a mother. Many of us have experienced matrescence and we didn’t even know the term for it!
Matrescence is a word that is supposed to describe the process of becoming a mother AND the changes that go on during that time. Turns out, there’s a lot. The author is clear that there is very little research and literature available on the topic of becoming a mother. Historically, women’s health has not been studied nearly as much as men’s health. Pregnancy and matrescence is no exception.
We do know that pregnancy and early motherhood drastically alters the brain, but that’s a recent discovery.
Brain size decreases during pregnancy and increases after labor. We also know that “cells [from the baby] remain intact in the mother’s body for decades, perhaps forever. The process is called microchimerism.”
Mental health in new motherhood is a huge topic in the book. The author provides a great many statistics on loneliness in motherhood. 38% of new mothers spend more than eight hours alone each day. “Millennial caregivers, those born between 1981 and 1996, experience increased isolation and loneliness compared with previous generations.” One of the causes of this loneliness was the ‘absence of community and social networks.’
That was the answer to those questions that jumped out at me. “Why does it feel so wrong to be alone at home mothering my young child?” The answer is the lack of a village. Our ancestors parented in small communities alongside one another (not alone and indoors the way we do). “Our brains, our nervous systems, evolved in collective child-rearing societies.” Industrialization normalized the nuclear family (two adults and their children) and left out the extended family and village all together. We’re still living that way today. The result is a lot of very lonely women in matrescence.
It came as no surprise to read that social support came up again and again as the most effective method in inoculating new mothers against mental illness. ‘Social support has been found to both reduce symptoms at the time of [mental] illness and prevent postnatal illness.” “It’s exciting to see how powerful social support can be for new mothers. But perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise, considering the extended social networks and caregiving cooperatives that we evolved within.”
This village of women is what so many of us are lacking in matrescence. We need a circle of women showing their support and offering companionship. As a new mother, I knew I needed this kind of community. I missed it. That’s why I created women’s circle gatherings to replace that void. I wanted to improve my mental health and wellbeing and I knew a supportive group of women was exactly what was necessary. I created the Bread & Roses Club, a group of women who meet virtually in a sharing circle to offer support and solidarity.
One of the reasons that social support is so important is it allows for honest conversations about the realities of motherhood. We need opportunities for honest conversations about the challenges of matrescence. We need a place to go to talk about the challenges of this unique time. We need to meet other women who are also in matrescence.
“Maternal ambivalence”, introduced by a book Torn in Two by Rozsika Parker, is a term to mean the ‘experience shared variously by all mothers in which loving and hating feelings for their children exist side by side.”
This term made me laugh but Lucy Jones points out the seriousness of it: “mothering today makes it almost impossible to acknowledge normal ambivalence, leading many to feel unbearable guilt and overwhelming persecutory anxiety.” The psychoanalyst who coined the term points out how important it is for us to talk about maternal ambivalence as opposed to suppressing it.
I myself have absolutely experienced maternal ambivalence. I can come up with countless examples of loving my child and wanting to wring their necks. Just this morning, for instance. Asking over and over again to please put on your socks and shoes, followed by begging them to get into the car. Maternal ambivalence.
Sharing circles are a great opportunity to talk about maternal ambivalence. We can hold two things as true at the same time- we love our kids and it’s difficult to be a parent. Talking about it is good for our mental wellness. Meeting other moms in matrescence is good for our wellbeing. Connecting with others is crucial to our survival.
For me, learning about matrescence provided a lot of validation and relief. I wish I had known this term before it happened to me. I wish I had known that my brain was about to alter dramatically. I wish I had been warned about all the changes that would happen. I deserved to know. Other women deserve to know. We need to set our expectations during this time. We want to ensure that social supports are put in place before, during and after matrescence to ensure our mental and physical wellbeing.
Mothers deserve support. We need a place to meet with one another and share the joys and challenges for matrescence and beyond. A woman’s gathering is the perfect place for these conversations- a safe and sacred place for women to connect and heal. A Sharing Circle for Moms is the type of support group that research shows is most effective in helping mothers thrive. Our Bread and Roses Club Sharing Circles for Moms are held virtually Sundays at 9am.
